Al-Qaeda Offers Tentative Truce Until Conclusion of ‘Breaking Bad’


In a stunning development in the otherwise seemingly perpetual War on Terror, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri offered a temporary truce until Monday, September 30, 7:15 AM Pakistan Standard Time, to ensure that he and the militant Islamist organization’s leadership could view the finale of AMC’s television drama Breaking Bad.

“We find ourselves on a great holy battlefield, in which true the Islamic states will rise and finally rid the earth of the jahiliyya of the West,” proclaimed Zawahiri.

“Having said that, we have admittedly become heavily invested in the saga of Walter White, and would rather not take the chance that we could miss out on its conclusion.”

The al-Qaeda leader promised that there would be no further attacks until after the finale, so long as the United States promised to “cool it with the drones” until then.

“Look, don’t get us wrong: sharia law, death to America, infidels, et cetera, all that still applies,” said the Egyptian militant widely thought to be hiding out deep within rural Pakistan. “And we still welcome death, and the 72 virgins that await us in Paradise. But they might not know what happens to Jesse, or who that ricin is for, and it would be a real bummer to spend eternity not knowing.”

Zawahiri then paused, contemplating for a few moments before launching into a seven minute, unsolicited theory of how he believed Walt was going to free Jesse and kill Lydia with the machine gun in front of Todd, and then let Jesse kill Todd as revenge for killing Andrea, and then Jesse would think about killing Walt but ultimately would decide to walk away and let him go free but then he lights a cigarette and dies because it has the ricin, and then Walt collapses and dies of cancer right before the final credits.

“That would be pretty cool,” surmised Zawahiri.

“Look, if this were Dexter, it wouldn’t be a big deal,” he continued, referring to the long-running Showtime series that concluded this past Sunday to global ridicule. “In fact, some of us would have welcomed spontaneous death from above to spare us from that debacle. A fucking lumberjack? Seriously?”

The unusual peace offering is the first of its kind in over thirty years, when several mujahideen in tribal Afghanistan negotiated a “time-out” with Soviet forces pending the discovery of who shot J.R. Ewing.

“Our Yemeni brothers in the Arabian Peninsula were planning something pretty epic for this week,” said Zawahiri. “But now they’re too busy Netflix binge-watching so they can see the finale live. I think they just finished the one where Gus poisons Don Eladio.

“Anyways,” Zawahiri finished, “I guess what I’m saying is you guys don’t have to worry about that whole shoes at the airport thing for the next couple days. But go back to taking them off after Breaking Bad ends, because we still totally plan stuff that involves shoes.”

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