After nearly 80 years of existence, a small high school of predominantly Native American enrollment in Western Arizona has decided to make a name change.
“The issue was discussed at a town meeting, and our proposal had overwhelming support,” said James Pondelik, the athletic director at Mesa Heights High School.
Beginning this week, the school will change its name from the “Bandits” to the “Dan Snyder Tiny Penises,” a name that Pondelik says instills great pride in the Mesa Heights community, where Native Americans make up over 75% of the population.
“We wanted a name that everyone would embrace, something that would really bring us all together.”
Pondelik says the decision to change the name was made after careful deliberation and self-reflection.
“Ultimately we realized that ‘Bandits’ wasn’t a positive image that we wanted associated with our school,” he explained. “It hearkened back to an ugly past in our town’s history where murderous robbers and thieves ruled the Wild West. So instead, we switched to an inhuman caricature of a person that wouldn’t offend people with a basic understanding of American history.
“I think the name symbolizes strength and courage,” Pondelik replied, when asked why the school chose the comically small genitals of professional sports owner Daniel Snyder as its moniker. “Imagine the bravery it must take to live life knowing your penis still looks the same as the day you were born.”
Pondelik acknowledges the potential for controversy, but he strongly believes that shouldn’t consume the overwhelming pride and happiness the name change has generated for Mesa Heights.
“Look, Dan Snyder was born with a tiny, tiny penis. But it happened almost fifty years ago and there’s nothing we can do to go back and change that,” Pondelik said. “None of us here are responsible for it, and at some point you just have to move on and stop mourning the past. Besides, we’ve already sold out all our football and basketball games for this season and next.”
Pondelik says the school wouldn’t have gone forward with the name change before ensuring it had the support of the public. “The support was, indeed, overwhelming,” he explained. “I have a friend named Bryan Snyder, and he told me that he wasn’t offended by the name. In fact, 90% of the Snyders we polled didn’t find anything wrong with it, so what does that tell you? Snyders all over country support us and are behind us.”
The Mesa Heights Dan Snyder Tiny Penises continue their football season tomorrow night at 7 P.M., facing their rival, the “Rick Reilly’s Dead Hookers” of Pueblo Academy.