SAN FRANCISCO – Although they were starting a quarterback who doesn’t sulk, the Chicago Bears were embarrassed Monday night in San Francisco by Colin Kaepernick and 49ers. Kaepernick, making his first NFL start and outwardly appearing to have all sorts of fun, threw for 243 yards and two touchdowns in a 32-7 drubbing on national television. After the game, many in the Bears locker room had questions.
“All week we were working on [Jason] Campbell’s demeanor,” said offensive coordinator Mike Tice. “We literally spent hours on it in practice, working on how he should be chatting it up on the sidelines and showing off those big pearly whites for the cameras. Also, do you know how I still have a job?”
Head coach Lovie Smith was equally perplexed, both about the game and Tice’s continued employ as a person who decides what offensive plays an NFL team should execute at a given moment. “We’re not quite sure what happened out there tonight,” he told reporters after the game. “I mean, everything was largely the same. We had Mike [Tice] calling the plays with the savvy of a third-grader playing Madden, just like every game. We had the same five guys blocking up front with the effectiveness of a garden sprinkler, just like every game. But this time we had someone with charisma taking the snaps. And we still looked like a high school team offensively.
“It almost seems like every time we have that guy with the smug look on his face but an absolute cannon for an arm start a game, we win something like 75% of the time, which is really, really good in the NFL. But whenever we don’t have him, we always, always lose. It’s bizarre.”
Bears offensive tackle Gabe Carimi was asked for comment after the game, but promptly fell down.
The Bears will try to right their season next Sunday against the division rival Minnesota Vikings, with a potential loss dropping them into third place in the NFC North.
“We’ll be out there with our best body language and demeanor,” Smith proclaimed.