In a nationally televised press conference, Manti Te’o, star Notre Dame linebacker and general dumbass, announced he had received confirmation that the expansion “Juneau Toucans” had confirmed they would select him number one overall in the upcoming 2013 NFL draft.
“I spoke with general manager Mike Rotch on Twitter this afternoon, and he told me I was their guy,” Te’o said with his entire family on hand. “It’s a dream come true.”
Te’o admitted he wasn’t previously aware the NFL was expanding to Alaska, but was excited to become the face of the new franchise. “I asked Mike Rotch — he repeatedly asked me to address him by his full name, it’s a very formal organization — I asked him over the phone if they wanted to at least see me at the combine before committing. But he said no, he knew from the minute he saw me play that I was meant to wear the light purple and neon.” When asked if he and Rotch had discussed the franchise in person, Te’o added that the two had “hung out in person, like, hundreds of times” over the past several weeks.
“When I signed that contract on the back of that cereal box, I knew it was real,” he said. “It feels great, knowing I can put that awful episode behind me and rebuild my image as the starting linebacker of the Toucans.”
Rotch was reportedly so thrilled with the prospect of drafting Te’o that he was “audibly holding in laughs of pure joy” their whole phone conversation. Te’o said he was told to report to “Camp Alaska” in two weeks to ride in a celebratory parade with “Mayor McCheese” welcoming him to the “land of a thousand boners.”
“It’s great to know I’m a football player again and not a punch line,” he said.