Tommy Lee Jones Wins 20th Consecutive “Best Supporting Actor” Academy Award for “The Fugitive”

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Actor Tommy Lee Jones made history Sunday night when he received his twentieth consecutive Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his legendary portrayal of United States Marshall Samuel Gerard in the 1993 film The Fugitive. The win extended his record streak for Oscars given to the same actor for the same film; the next closest streak is one, shared by 76 others.

“For the twentieth year in a row, there was not a supporting performance in Hollywood worthy enough to unseat Mr. Jones,” said Cheryl Boone Isaacs, President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. “To be honest, it wasn’t especially close. This award will be his until he dies, and even then, probably still for another several years after that.”

Jones’ only legitimate challenger over his two decade run came in 1996 when he beat out Cuba Gooding Jr. for his role as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, which was the closest anyone has ever come to equaling Jones’ on-screen presence. Jones also narrowly defeated himself for his reprisal of Gerard in the 1998 sequel U.S. Marshals.

Upon having his name called for the twentieth consecutive year, Jones approached the stage to a thunderous standing ovation. He then took the award from presenter Anne Hathaway, stared deep into the soul of both the attendees and viewers at home simultaneously, and uttered, “I don’t care,” before retreating backstage and off into the night.

For the eighth consecutive year, Mark Wahlberg finished second in the voting for his portrayal of Sergeant Dignam in The Departed.

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SOURCE: Brooklyn Nets Showered Together As Team Following Jason Collins’ Debut

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History was made when Jason Collins entered the game for the Brooklyn Nets last night in Los Angeles, making him the first active openly gay player for a major professional men’s American sports team. While his contributions on the court were minimal – zero points and two rebounds in eleven minutes of play – his contributions in the team’s locker room, according to a source with knowledge of the situation, is already profound and deeply controversial.

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, the source within the Brooklyn locker room claimed that after the team’s 108-102 victory over the Lakers, Collins and his teammates all disrobed and entered a communal shower together. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” the source said. “They just all went in there together, like, completely naked and stuff. You could see everything.”

The source’s claims, if verified, raise considerable questions concerning the future of gay men in American sports. It is well documented via modern science that exposure to gays and gay culture can make otherwise straight people abruptly turn gay. “This pretty much proves that,” the source said. “I mean, this guy was here what, like, four hours? That’s all it took.”

Even more disturbing are the unconfirmed rumors surfacing Monday morning that similar activity occurred in the Lakers locker room as well, prompting concerns that merely playing on the same court as the openly gay Collins also made his opponents turn gay. “We’re looking into the possibility that our floor is now gay,” said a Staples Center spokesperson. “As an additional precaution, we’re asking our male fans who sat in the first fifteen rows last night to see if they are exhibiting gay symptoms, and if so we recommend they immediately begin chugging heavy beers, or spend the day watching all of the Fast and Furious films on Netflix.”

Additional support for this “zone of gay” theory lies in the game film, which reveals multiple instances of homoerotic foreplay by both teams leading up to the alleged gay showers. Both sides, for example, engaged frequently in gentle butt-patting as a means of showing approval. Additionally, two players at one point late in the fourth quarter ran into one another and joyously pressed their outstretched chests together in a tender display of affection, which possibly also resulted in their genitals briefly touching.

As of this morning, eleven Republican state lawmakers had already proposed bills that would require all sports arenas to install, at minimum, one dozen individual shower stalls in lieu of gay communal showers. Several other states are expected to follow suit in the coming weeks, though many may wait to see if their local football franchise selects openly gay lineman Michael Sam in this spring’s upcoming NFL draft before advancing the measure. “We have two NFL teams in this state and we don’t want to take any chances,” said Charles Johnson, the Republican state senator from Texas and avid fan of the sport where literally every single play begins with one man cupping his hands and placing them between another man’s testicles and anus.

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Fan Removed From Football Game For Insulting Redskins Honored At Halftime

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A drunken fan was forcibly removed by FedEx Field security last night after yelling a derogatory slur at a group of redskins being honored at halftime.

The redskins, a group of ex-Marine Navajo code-talkers, were being recognized for their brave service in World War II, in which they developed and translated codes based on their native language, undoubtedly saving countless American lives in the Pacific theatre of the war.

But things quickly turned ugly when, minutes into the ceremony, a clearly inebriated fan stood and pointed at one of the redskin marines and shouted, “Hey look, it’s Old Red Featherhead!” He then began slapping his palm into his open mouth, emulating an Indian battle cry, before he was stopped and escorted from the field by security.

“Completely unacceptable behavior,” said Redskins owner and redskin supporter Daniel Snyder after the game. “Here we are, trying to recognize and honor some redskin war heroes, and one of our fans goes and yells a terrible, ugly slur.”

“Well, our fans are better than that,” Snyder continued. “I think 99 percent of the people here understand that epithets and outdated, racially insensitive caricatures have no place in the NFL. This was just one fan who drunkenly thought it would be fun to disparage and dehumanize this courageous group of redskins. It will not be tolerated.”

The man, identified as Anthony D’Agostino of Bowie, Maryland, has since had his season tickets revoked per the team’s fan behavior policy.

“That guinea won’t be returning for Redskins football any time soon,” said Snyder.

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Breakthrough in Debt Ceiling Negotiations Upon Tea Party Realization That It’s Not an Actual Ceiling

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Progress was finally made early Saturday afternoon in the twelve-day stalemate between President Obama, who for weeks has called for the raising of the nation’s “debt ceiling” so the United States does not default on its bills and trigger global economic catastrophe, and Tea Party Republicans who, for the first time, have been told the “debt ceiling” is not a literal thing.

“I was under the impression this whole time that we were talking about an actual ceiling that needed to be raised,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R – Texas) in front of dozens of reporters on the Capitol steps. “Like, we had a room with all our debt in it, and the debt was so high that it was stacked up to the ceiling. And President Obama and all these Democrats were wailing about how we needed to hire some contractors to go in and raise the ceiling, otherwise the economy would be destroyed. And I kept thinking, that really doesn’t make sense. Why would we pay someone to raise the ceiling? Why don’t we just start putting debt into a second room? We could save a lot of money. So that’s why I shut the government down.

“But now I see that it was a simple misunderstanding,” said Cruz. “My bad. I’m new here, nobody ever really told me how it works.”

Senator Rand Paul (R – Kentucky) also acknowledged his mistake. “I didn’t want to raise the debt ceiling because I thought, hey, if our debt is so high that it’s touching the ceiling, paying off the debt is probably smarter, in the long run, than physically raising the ceiling. You can see how that’s such an easy mistake to make.

“We’ve got a vote coming this afternoon,” he continued. “The government will be up and running again Monday.”

Similar breakthroughs are expected in entitlement reform, as House Republicans were briefed for the first time that “food stamps” actually refers to a program that allows impoverished persons to purchase approximately $4 in food per day with a government-provided debit card, and not “like, some big stamp that someone walks around with in CVS or Whole Foods, and then they stamp stuff they want, and then they get to take it for free.”

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BREAKING: Senate Democrats Agree to Defund ‘Obamacare’ in Exchange for Funding of Lesser-Known ‘Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act’

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In what many Republicans on Capitol Hill are declaring a “major victory for the American people,” Senate Democrats and Tea Party Republicans have struck a deal where “the law formally known as Obamacare” will be de-funded in exchange for full and continued funding of the “Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, which is totally different.”

“The Democrats have finally listened to the American people, who clearly do not want Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz, the possible 2016 presidential nominee for the party that less than a year ago explicitly ran on a platform of repealing Obamacare and lost. “We’ve reached across the aisle and come to a bi-partisan agreement to ensure the evils of Obamacare are never forced upon the American people, and all we have to do in return is fund some other law that’s already on the books that no one here has ever heard of.

“Actually this other law has some real common sense provisions,” continued Cruz, “like preventing insurance companies from inhumanely denying coverage if you have a pre-existing condition. It also sets up these free market health exchanges where people can shop for insurance in the private sector, unlike Obamacare which forces people to pay thousands of dollars directly to the federal government so that illegal immigrants can have completely free health care, or else you die.

“This is a win-win. Frankly, I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about this other law. I’m going to go read up on it after we vote.”

The deal is contingent on an immediate vote, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid as he and other Democrats sprinted to the Senate chamber. “I mean immediate as in, like, right now, before someone gets on Google.”

The text of the bill heading to the Senate floor reads, “Obamacare, the law unconstitutionally passed by the ‘President’ and currently codified in Chapter 4 of ‘Emperor Obama’s Edicts’ is hereby repealed. This bill does not affect the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Public Law 111-148, 124 Stat. 119 et. seq. Benghazi.”

“If you ask me, this vote today signals a monumental shift in the leadership of the Republican party,” opined Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, though no one asked. “Established Congressional Republicans said this couldn’t be done. But the Tea Party wing has taken charge, and killed Obamacare once and for all.”

Such established Republican leaders could not be reached for comment, as they have been bound and gagged in an undisclosed safehouse somewhere in the District of Columbia to ensure they don’t “blow this,” said an unnamed Vice President of the United States on the condition of anonymity.

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Al-Qaeda Offers Tentative Truce Until Conclusion of ‘Breaking Bad’

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In a stunning development in the otherwise seemingly perpetual War on Terror, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri offered a temporary truce until Monday, September 30, 7:15 AM Pakistan Standard Time, to ensure that he and the militant Islamist organization’s leadership could view the finale of AMC’s television drama Breaking Bad.

“We find ourselves on a great holy battlefield, in which true the Islamic states will rise and finally rid the earth of the jahiliyya of the West,” proclaimed Zawahiri.

“Having said that, we have admittedly become heavily invested in the saga of Walter White, and would rather not take the chance that we could miss out on its conclusion.”

The al-Qaeda leader promised that there would be no further attacks until after the finale, so long as the United States promised to “cool it with the drones” until then.

“Look, don’t get us wrong: sharia law, death to America, infidels, et cetera, all that still applies,” said the Egyptian militant widely thought to be hiding out deep within rural Pakistan. “And we still welcome death, and the 72 virgins that await us in Paradise. But they might not know what happens to Jesse, or who that ricin is for, and it would be a real bummer to spend eternity not knowing.”

Zawahiri then paused, contemplating for a few moments before launching into a seven minute, unsolicited theory of how he believed Walt was going to free Jesse and kill Lydia with the machine gun in front of Todd, and then let Jesse kill Todd as revenge for killing Andrea, and then Jesse would think about killing Walt but ultimately would decide to walk away and let him go free but then he lights a cigarette and dies because it has the ricin, and then Walt collapses and dies of cancer right before the final credits.

“That would be pretty cool,” surmised Zawahiri.

“Look, if this were Dexter, it wouldn’t be a big deal,” he continued, referring to the long-running Showtime series that concluded this past Sunday to global ridicule. “In fact, some of us would have welcomed spontaneous death from above to spare us from that debacle. A fucking lumberjack? Seriously?”

The unusual peace offering is the first of its kind in over thirty years, when several mujahideen in tribal Afghanistan negotiated a “time-out” with Soviet forces pending the discovery of who shot J.R. Ewing.

“Our Yemeni brothers in the Arabian Peninsula were planning something pretty epic for this week,” said Zawahiri. “But now they’re too busy Netflix binge-watching so they can see the finale live. I think they just finished the one where Gus poisons Don Eladio.

“Anyways,” Zawahiri finished, “I guess what I’m saying is you guys don’t have to worry about that whole shoes at the airport thing for the next couple days. But go back to taking them off after Breaking Bad ends, because we still totally plan stuff that involves shoes.”

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Predominantly Native American High School Changes Mascot to “Dan Snyder Tiny Penises”

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After nearly 80 years of existence, a small high school of predominantly Native American enrollment in Western Arizona has decided to make a name change.

“The issue was discussed at a town meeting, and our proposal had overwhelming support,” said James Pondelik, the athletic director at Mesa Heights High School.

Beginning this week, the school will change its name from the “Bandits” to the “Dan Snyder Tiny Penises,” a name that Pondelik says instills great pride in the Mesa Heights community, where Native Americans make up over 75% of the population.

“We wanted a name that everyone would embrace, something that would really bring us all together.”

Pondelik says the decision to change the name was made after careful deliberation and self-reflection.

“Ultimately we realized that ‘Bandits’ wasn’t a positive image that we wanted associated with our school,” he explained. “It hearkened back to an ugly past in our town’s history where murderous robbers and thieves ruled the Wild West. So instead, we switched to an inhuman caricature of a person that wouldn’t offend people with a basic understanding of American history.

“I think the name symbolizes strength and courage,” Pondelik replied, when asked why the school chose the comically small genitals of professional sports owner Daniel Snyder as its moniker. “Imagine the bravery it must take to live life knowing your penis still looks the same as the day you were born.”

Pondelik acknowledges the potential for controversy, but he strongly believes that shouldn’t consume the overwhelming pride and happiness the name change has generated for Mesa Heights.

“Look, Dan Snyder was born with a tiny, tiny penis. But it happened almost fifty years ago and there’s nothing we can do to go back and change that,” Pondelik said. “None of us here are responsible for it, and at some point you just have to move on and stop mourning the past. Besides, we’ve already sold out all our football and basketball games for this season and next.”

Pondelik says the school wouldn’t have gone forward with the name change before ensuring it had the support of the public. “The support was, indeed, overwhelming,” he explained. “I have a friend named Bryan Snyder, and he told me that he wasn’t offended by the name. In fact, 90% of the Snyders we polled didn’t find anything wrong with it, so what does that tell you? Snyders all over country support us and are behind us.”

The Mesa Heights Dan Snyder Tiny Penises continue their football season tomorrow night at 7 P.M., facing their rival, the “Rick Reilly’s Dead Hookers” of Pueblo Academy.

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